On the same night, long ago, when I decided to indulge in a little hysteria pie I also made the first version of this meal, of salad and fritters, that I now know simply as ‘The Fried.’ For some reason a fiddly confection of slow-simmered caramel, ganache and pastry wasn’t quite enough pain, mess and tedium for one evening, so I threw a little time-critical crumbing, shallow frying and deep frying into the mix, too.
Needless to say, my dinner guests wound up watching Peep Show and drinking summerweight wine while I stomped and cursed my way about the kitchen, emerging every now and then, covered in a fine film of oil, egg and flour, to insist that dinner wouldn’t be very long.
We typically have people over Sunday night to watch movies and eat food, nothing fancy, but for some reason, on the last Sunday before I left for the US, I decided to make The Fried again.
I was foolish. I thought I could control The Fried, be the master in the Hegelian dialectic between [wo]man and food. I could not. You do not dominate The Fried; The Fried dominates you. They are a mighty tasty combination, though, of fried bocconcini salad and minted pea and haloumi fritters, so if you’re up for an evening of hardcore balls-to-the-wall Cookery it’s worth it.
Failing that, just make one without the other. It’s a fine line, as they say, between pleasure and pain.
Minted Pea and Haloumi Fritters
Via Delicious magazine, month uncertain. Makes around a dozen.
- 250g frozen peas
- 1/2 cup milk
- 2 eggs
- 30g cornflour
- 2/3 cup plain flour
- 1/2 tsp baking powder
- 250g haloumi
- 1 tbsp chopped mint
Boil the peas in salted water for 2 minutes, then drain and decant into a small bowl. Briefly mash with a potato masher, until around half the peas are squashed and the rest are intact.. Fillet the block of haloumi lengthwise then cut into 1/2 centimetre squares, real small-like.
Fork together the milk, eggs, flours, and baking powder together in a large bowl, then fold in diced haloumi, mint and peas. Heat a few tablespoons of olive oil in a frypan until tiny bit of batter sizzles when dropped in, then shallow fry heaped tablespoons until browned on each side. Don’t ask me for how long, it’s an inexact science. Drain fritters on a folded paper towel.
If you’re going to make the salad, promptly transfer the drained fritters onto a dinner plate tented with foil in a slow oven. Wipe down the bench. Breathe deeply and slowly.
Fried Bocconcini Salad
Via Delicious also. Serves four.
- 220g baby, or cherry, bocconcini
- Flour
- Breadcrumbs
- 2 eggs, beaten
- 4 tbsp olive oil
- 1 garlic clove, crushed
- 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
- 1 tsp dijon
- 100g semi-dried tomatoes
- 125g wild rocket, washed and dried
- 2 tbsp pine nuts, turned in a dry pan until brown and nice-smelling
Drain the bocconcini and tip onto a plate lined with paper towels to drain more thoroughly. Decant a quantity of plain flour onto a small plate. Beat the eggs and pour them into a small bowl next to the flour plate. Decant a quantity of breadcrumbs into another small plate, and set it next to the egg bowl. Put an empty dinner plate next to the breadcrumb plate.
Dredge each ball of bocconcini in flour, then egg, then breadcrumbs, arranging them on the empty plate. Try not to think of eyeballs. Cover with foil and transfer to the fridge. If you’re making the fritters, crumb the bocconcini before you do the fritters.
Make the dressing by whisking together oil, vinegar, mustard, and balsamic. Set aside.
Pour vegetable oil, the frying type, into a heavy saucepan until a third full. Heat until a breadcrumb sizzles when dropped in. Fry the bocconcini in batches until golden and fried-looking. Drain on paper towels. Swiftly assemble the salad by tossing together leaves, tomatoes, pine nuts, hot bocconcini and dressing.
Yeah, it hurts so good.
